I Want to Know who You Are

This was somebody’s wonderful home. And they are gone now. Their lives lived. As I am writing, I just heard the loudest crash of thunder and lightning I have ever heard and it is starting to rain. It’s a light rain, now, but I am anticipating a true downpour. Instead of heading home, I went to put the windows up on my car and headed back to the brick side porch, complete with three brick arches.

My battery is at twenty percent on my phone. I know myself well enough to know I sometimes cringe under pressure. I’m better without pressure. It rarely works in my favor.

I’m sitting here, in the humid summer air, sounds of thunder rolling in. I say, bring it on. Such is life. A great rainstorm washes away the dust and provides a wonderful show, in the process .. better than anything to be found on tv.

I look across the estate. I used to come here to study for my real estate exams. I used to come here to play frisbee with my boyfriend. This is a delightful and comforting place, bringing with it a certain tenderness of another time. I miss the time of, how can I say it, the way home used to be. A home, a life, a family, stability, community. I like that, more often, people used to stay in the same place and truly partake in the lives of their families and friends.

Another crash. I see this old house covered in ivy. Standing tall with dignity. Adorned with details only someone who cared could have added. I want to live here. I want the life that goes with it. It is tucked away, a last standing home in a world that has left it behind.

It appears gone, to me, tradition such as this. I hope this house stands for a long time. It is for sale and has been for sale for quite some time. It is now in a significant shopping district and the land value has out appraised the home. It sits empty. What will happen of it?

The rain is gentle and strong. The house is stronger. I think of my life and what I want it to be.

I was asked, recently, my greatest strength and weakness. I have found my greatest weakness but not so far my strength. My greatest weakness, I have found to be too accommodating to other people. Time and again, I set my thoughts aside to bring my life to the assistance of another. I believe in that, but I also believe in balance. For the first time, in my whole life, I’m asking myself what I want. With maturity and a heart that is in the right place, I’m seeking the answers day by day. Because there is no life by life that I know of, I want to live with great intention this second half of my life.

What is left of my life, in the end, I want to stand strong like this house. With dignity and a visibility of having been designed on purpose.

Think about what you want, that includes the people you are connected with, and remember to plan room in that life for you. There is only one you and I want to know who you are.

c.s.ellington